So you want to go on a canoe trip

Step 1: Pack gear

On any successful canoe trip, it is smart to pack any clothes or gear in Ziplocs just in case it gets splashed, or God forbid, the boat tips over.


Step 2: Boats


Step 3: Paddle

Choose your fellow paddlers wisely. If they're strong, your boat will still go places despite your own lack of muscle. As you can see, I chose my sister. Don't be fooled. She's a purple-headed monster.

Note Jordan's paddling technique. He's doing it all wrong. You're supposed to face forward and put the whole paddle in the water. Don't pick Jordan for your canoe.


Step 4: Get tired and try sailing

You may find some members of the party are more gullible than others.


Step 5: Portage

Sometimes rapids keep canoes from continuing on the water.


In such a case, walk or "portage" the gear around the falls. Let Dad carry the boat.


Step 6: Enjoy the scenery

Smell the air, open your eyes to the wildlife, and listen to the gentle waters of the lakes.


Step 7: Use "the partridge"

Gentle waters may induce your body to perform certain biological functions. Use toilet paper wisely. Try not to spook local Ruffed Grouse beating his wings to attract the ladies to such a romantic spot.


Step 8: Dinner

Bring enough food. If food is scarce, a fellow camper must ration dishes. Pick someone expendable since the job is high risk.


Step 9: Set up bear bag

Ignore pleas to put in personal toothpaste until your sister says she found bear scat at the campsite.


Step 10: Set up camp

Zip tent doors tight. Be careful in the morning. They're waiting for you. bzzzZZZzzzzZZzzz....


Step 11: Find pictographs

Get excited over pictures of ancient canoes. Show your dorky side when you see the mammoth. Keep memories of the dancing mammoth pictographs in the Ice Age movie to yourself.


Step 12: Head towards home

Wonder if that canoe buddy you picked is going to paddle or just look at those pesky Bald Eagles all day.


Step 13 (figures): Tip over all 4 canoes in freakish storm. Don't take pictures and see if your friends believe you anyway.

Step 14: Swim boats to nearest island and set up tarps to weather next storm.

Take cute picture of your brother while you have the chance.

Start making a mental list of people you would eat in case of starvation.


Step 15: Make it home safe.


Step 16: Eat large portions of healthy food after small rations all trip

Step 17: Dry every item you brought with you.

Note Step 1 is completely useless in extreme circumstances.


Step 18: Remember favorite parts of trip.

The Boundary Waters

Even though school is out, I'm booked for a bit. I've been busy traveling the great wide world that is the American Museum of Natural History with Vlada, and I have all sorts of cool things I could tell you, like how unicorns were actually depicted as horned goats instead of horses. Gobs and gobs of stuff.

It's 1:30 in the morning and I am not going to tell you these interesting factoids because losing sleep is just not worth the satisfaction of telling the world that the unicorn is a mistranslation of the Hebrew word for wild boar. It's just not right.

Instead I am going to get my beauty's sleep of 5 hours and head of to the wild world of "the boundary waters." Jordan and I are embarking on the great canoing trip of '07. Years later we will speak of it in hushed tones as the time were eaten alive by Minnesota's state bird, the mosquito. They're as big as a toddler's head and capsize canoes.

Then there are the flies. Black flies, deer flies, horse flies, and stable flies.

And then...and then...there are the no-see-ums.

I go armored with clothing from head to foot. I'll poison my skin, losing years off my life so that I can brave the front of hoards of aggressors. I'm a black belt in swatting. Oh yes. It's my time to relax, get back to nature, and enjoy the goddamned wildlife.